Comments From The Peanut Gallery
by Het Up
Summary: Gar and Vic tell the world what everyone had pretty much already figured out. The world responds.


"Wally, come look at this," Linda called out.

Wally looked up from his third bowl of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs (not that morning, that minute). "If this is about Doonesbury being funny, I refuse to concede any ground."

Linda just held up the front page. The headline was BEAST BOY AND CYBORG: COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET.

"A-buh?" Wally responded. "Hunhhguanghuh?" he added. "Sufabistag?" he sputtered. "We... we used to SHOWER together!" he finished, horrified.

* * *

"I saw it coming," Dick announced. Raven looked at him and the newspaper in his hands. "I knew it all along."

"You did not," Raven said simply.

"I did too. You forget, I'm a detective. I totally saw this coming. Besides, I have _spectacular_ gay-dar," Dick bragged.

"That would explain your luck with the women," Raven said slyly.

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"

* * *

"What does 'coming out of the closet' mean?" Kory asked, looking through the newspaper. Barbara Gordon rubbed her temples. Always on Mondays...

"Kory, if this is about telling Dick about me and Dinah..."

"No, the paper." She held it up. "Does it have anything to do with the Kelly of R?"

* * *

Red Hood folded the paper neatly and returned it to the stack. "I don't know how, but somehow this is Batman's fault."

* * *

"Your paper, sir," Alfred said, putting down a collection of the latest issues of the New York Times, the Daily Planet, the Gotham Gazette, and a few other publications.

"Hmmm," Bruce Wayne said, staring at the headlines. "Remind me to update the sexual preferences database later."

* * *

"Do you think they were ever... you know... _attracted_ to me?" Roy asked, firing another arrow.

"God, Roy, why is it whenever someone expresses an interest in the male gender, you immediately have to know if they find you attractive?" Helena fired her own shot, splitting Roy's in two.

"If you were a gay man, would you find me attractive?" Roy split her crossbow bolt with an arrow shaft.

"Gee, let me recall my extensive experience in the area of male homosexual attraction... Nope, if I were a gay man, I would be entirely uninterested in you." Helena took aim and fired, but missed Roy's last shot by a few centimeters.

"Well, it's a good thing for me you're a heterosexual woman. The bra, if you please."

"Roy, I'm still wearing my shirt."

"Then this is going to get mighty interesting, now isn't it?"

Roy loved playing strip target practice.

* * *

"Did you know?" Wally asked.

"Of course," Bart responded, lost in his latest videogame. It would keep him occupied for another 3.2 seconds. "I mean, they're always fighting like an old married couple and touching each other and stuff. It's soooooooo obvious."

"You knew and you didn't tell me! Oh, the deception!" Wally moaned. "Am I the only one who didn't know? I cannot be the only one who didn't know. Alright, if anyone asks, I knew all along... how do they even... do they... I didn't even know Cyborg _had_ a..."

"I thought you showered together."

"Damnit, who told you that!?"

* * *

"I called it!" the Riddler said, leaning against the cell door. "Not yet has there been a conundrum that could stump the Riddler!"

"So stop cackling about it, you overgrown hyena," Lex rumbled. "Who had Beast Boy and Cyborg in the gay pool?"

"I did!" Mirror Master called from a distant cell. "I always knew those two were a little _too_ close... not that there's anything wrong with that."

"I was so sure it was going to be Nightwing and Arsenal," Deadshot whined. "I mean, have you ever seen them together... not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Trust me, Nightwing's not gay." Deathstroke stretched out on his bunk. "I've been trying for years, he just doesn't swing that way... not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, and put me down for Robin and Superboy. I've got a feeling about those two..."

* * *

"Do you think it was me?" Terra said from the shower, shampooing her hair. "I mean her, I mean the other me... do you think it was the first Terra? I mean, she totally broke his heart, you think that had anything to do with it?"

"It could just as well have to do with that green monkey that bit him." Geo-Force spat out his toothpaste. "You better not use up all the hot water."

"Green monkey bite? What, are you saying homosexuality is a disease?"

"No, I'm just saying that it gave him the ability to change into animals... that's gotta do something to the ol' genes."

"So, you're saying he caught the gay?"

"You're putting words in my mouth, little sis."

"Hey, I'm not the one being a big fat homophobe."

* * *

Ollie scanned the headlines. "Mia, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Mia nodded in relief. "Thank God it wasn't any of the pretty ones."

* * *

"Well, I guess it is a little less intimidating, now that I know the girl with a superhero for an ex was just a beard," DeShaun said, pouring himself some orange juice.

"What can I say, he was my friend and I wanted to help out." Sarah Charles yawned. "You'd think the whole 'body ravaged by an interdimensional monster' thing would be enough of an excuse for him not to date, but I guess the other Titans weren't satisfied unless he had some pretty young thing on his arm..."

"And they just never noticed the real pretty young thing was green and used to be a child star. Ain't that always the way?"

* * *

"The crass come-ons, the constant bragging about his virility... I should've known it masked a warrior's pain about being unable to show his true feelings." Donna brought up her stave just in time to block a blow from Diana.

"Maybe he was just what those in Man's World would call a horndog." Diane swept Donna's legs out from under her.

"That would also be a possibility," Donna said from flat on her back.

* * *

"Now that I think about it," Flash mused, pacing, "there was that one time we were getting ready for a mission and I saw them both coming out of Gar's room. I thought they were just watching a movie together or something."

"Shouldn't you be arresting me?" Captain Cold asked as Flash tugged him along like a dog on a short leash.

"In a minute, I'm trying to work through some things. You know, they always did do that little slap on the rump thing... I thought it was like a 'good hustle' thing, but it could've been the gay, I guess. And the purple tuxedo at Donna's wedding!" he realized. "_How could I have missed that?_"

"Could you please send me back to jail now? Please?"

"You think Gar ever changed into animals while they... you know? Because technically it wouldn't be bestiality..."

"That's it! That's the last straw!" Captain Cold ripped his mask off. "I'm tired of all this! From now on, I'm going straight!"

"God, you too!?" Flash moaned. "Oh, the deception!"

* * *

"My son's a homosexual and I love him!" Steve Dayton declared. "I love my green gay son!" 


End file.
